...Getting to Know Me
THE WAY MY LIFE WORKS
- When I have a great tan, am dressed to the nines and have been religious about keeping up with my workout and diet regimen, I will not run into anyone that I know. When I’ve put on weight, am pale as a ghost and am wearing clothes that are years out of style, I will run into numerous people who I haven’t seen in years.
- My relationship with my stepchildren can be playful, loving and sweet 95% of the time, but if we have a knock-down, drag out, voices raised, tear-inducing fight, it will ALWAYS occur the night before they go to their dad’s for the weekend, making it their final memory of me before they come home.
- Sales that I’ve been desperately trying to close for weeks or months will inevitably come in when I’m on vacation, allowing one or more of my partners to take all the glory
- The plumbing in my house will fail around the same time the TV remote breaks and all of our cars are in need of repair
- If I have an important meeting with a client in the morning, I will spill coffee on myself on the way over. It the meeting is in the afternoon, I will be wearing my lunch.
BAD THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED TO ME
- In two separate long-term relationships I have been caught with porn in the VCR. That’s always a fun one to explain. I’m not a porn addict or anything, just very forgetful
- At a previous job I had one of those things occur that I always thought only happened on TV. I had just finished leaving a voicemail for one of the sales managers when I immediately proceeded to bitch and complain to my cubicle neighbors both about this woman herself and the team of losers that she managed. My neighbors freely joined in the conversation. Then I realized I hadn’t hung up the phone completely and all of our conversation had been left on the sales manager’s voicemail.
- I once let my then-girlfriend talk me into writing a nasty letter to my college fraternity because they had neglected to send me an invitation to the fraternity reunion (this was the year following my graduation). Turns out, nobody really got formal invitations, it was just kind of word of mouth. Anytime you write a nasty letter it’s probably best to throw it out as opposed to sending it. Even if you’re in the right, the chances of the recipient saying, “Boy, that’s a good point, I’ve been wrong all along” are pretty low. Nearly 10 years later, I still cringe when I think about having sent that letter.
DEEP DARK SECRETS
- I get a little upset when I think that anyone who I’m really close friends with makes more money than I do
- Related to the above, my wife and I have a bad habit of disparaging others good fortune. For example, a couple we are close friends with live in a beautiful home that is nearly twice the size of ours. We can never describe their house to others without saying something to the effect of, “Their house is great, IF you don’t mind living way out in the boonies”.
- I don’t think you ever truly get over someone who dumps you 100%. If I ever want to put myself in a bad mood, I think about my college sweetheart, who I dated for about 4 years, fucking other dudes
- Even though I co-own my business with 3 others, meaning their success is my success and vice-versa, I get a little jealous when one of them gets a really big sale
- When I have a great tan, am dressed to the nines and have been religious about keeping up with my workout and diet regimen, I will not run into anyone that I know. When I’ve put on weight, am pale as a ghost and am wearing clothes that are years out of style, I will run into numerous people who I haven’t seen in years.
- My relationship with my stepchildren can be playful, loving and sweet 95% of the time, but if we have a knock-down, drag out, voices raised, tear-inducing fight, it will ALWAYS occur the night before they go to their dad’s for the weekend, making it their final memory of me before they come home.
- Sales that I’ve been desperately trying to close for weeks or months will inevitably come in when I’m on vacation, allowing one or more of my partners to take all the glory
- The plumbing in my house will fail around the same time the TV remote breaks and all of our cars are in need of repair
- If I have an important meeting with a client in the morning, I will spill coffee on myself on the way over. It the meeting is in the afternoon, I will be wearing my lunch.
BAD THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED TO ME
- In two separate long-term relationships I have been caught with porn in the VCR. That’s always a fun one to explain. I’m not a porn addict or anything, just very forgetful
- At a previous job I had one of those things occur that I always thought only happened on TV. I had just finished leaving a voicemail for one of the sales managers when I immediately proceeded to bitch and complain to my cubicle neighbors both about this woman herself and the team of losers that she managed. My neighbors freely joined in the conversation. Then I realized I hadn’t hung up the phone completely and all of our conversation had been left on the sales manager’s voicemail.
- I once let my then-girlfriend talk me into writing a nasty letter to my college fraternity because they had neglected to send me an invitation to the fraternity reunion (this was the year following my graduation). Turns out, nobody really got formal invitations, it was just kind of word of mouth. Anytime you write a nasty letter it’s probably best to throw it out as opposed to sending it. Even if you’re in the right, the chances of the recipient saying, “Boy, that’s a good point, I’ve been wrong all along” are pretty low. Nearly 10 years later, I still cringe when I think about having sent that letter.
DEEP DARK SECRETS
- I get a little upset when I think that anyone who I’m really close friends with makes more money than I do
- Related to the above, my wife and I have a bad habit of disparaging others good fortune. For example, a couple we are close friends with live in a beautiful home that is nearly twice the size of ours. We can never describe their house to others without saying something to the effect of, “Their house is great, IF you don’t mind living way out in the boonies”.
- I don’t think you ever truly get over someone who dumps you 100%. If I ever want to put myself in a bad mood, I think about my college sweetheart, who I dated for about 4 years, fucking other dudes
- Even though I co-own my business with 3 others, meaning their success is my success and vice-versa, I get a little jealous when one of them gets a really big sale
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