Friday, July 30, 2004

...Getting Over High School

The office manager at a previous job of mine had the lamest high school revenge fantasy ever. I guess it really wasn’t a fantasy since it was one she actually planned on following through with. I’m tempted to reveal her real name, only because it is one of those funny names where her obviously oblivious parents unwittingly gave her the absolute perfect porn star name. She was a nice person at heart, so I will protect her identity and only hint that her first and last name put together is a synonym for “Sweet Pussy”. For the sake of our story, we’ll call her Melissa.

Melissa was what I like to describe as “work hot”. By that I mean she was one of those women who attracted a lot of attention from the guys in our office due to being one of maybe three women under 30 in the whole place, but not someone who would necessarily catch your eye anywhere else.

Although she was perfectly pleasant looking now, it was obvious that Melissa was probably considered somewhat of a nerd in high school. If her encyclopedic knowledge of all things “Star Wars” didn’t give it away, her constant talk of how was going to get back at all the popular girls from her high school at the 10-year reunion did.

Melissa was dating/engaged to this guy, Trent. Now, I’m not one of those guys who think I will spontaneously turn gay if I acknowledge that another man is good-looking, so I can say with full comfort in my own sexuality that Trent was a nice-enough looking guy. But it’s not like he was going to be confused with George Clooney or Ben Affleck either.

Melissa’s revenge plot was to attend her 10-year high school reunion with Trent. That was the beginning and end of it. Melissa figured the popular girls would be so green with envy that they would scarcely be able to contain their jealousy and anger at former geek Melissa having landed such a hunk. The success of her plan was predicated on the, if you ask me, precarious assumption that ALL of the popular girls from her high school would now be fat and ugly and that none would have anything resembling good-looking husbands or boyfriends.

The whole thing sounded vaguely pathetic when Melissa described it. The chances of Melissa being the only girl from her graduating class to now be dating a relatively o.k. looking guy seemed pretty slim. Who exactly was she getting revenge on? Really, her big revenge on the popular girls was showing them she turned out sort of normal. It seemed sad that this would be so important to her. Sometimes you just have to stop obsessing over shit like that.

Unfortunately, Melissa’s marriage to Trent lasted all of about six months. They had both lived with their parents well into their twenties and didn’t move out until after the wedding. You can really only know someone so well when you see them for all of a few hours on the weekend.

Her story was that Trent turned out to be the ultra-possessive, jealous type who wouldn’t even allow her to go grocery shopping by herself. The other story was that he was cheating on her with someone younger and hotter. I’m tempted to believe the latter because right after the two of them split up I started seeing Trent at the gym all the time with a sexy blond who couldn't have been more than 19.

Melissa started fucking all the guys in the office after her divorce. Well, most of them. Melissa had set me up with her best friend about a year earlier, a relationship I ended abruptly after determining I would rather have sex with a pencil sharpener for the rest of my life than have to spend one more minute around that smothering, psychotic, nutjob. I guess that made me ineligible.
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