Tuesday, July 13, 2004

...(Some of) What I've Learned So Far

Everybody sort of has bad breath. With some people you just notice it from further away.

It is always a pleasant surprise to discover that someone has left behind a newspaper or magazine in the large bathroom stall at the gym.

No matter how happy you are in your current relationship, and no matter how many years have passed, it is always upsetting to imagine any of your ex-girlfriends giving some other guy a blowjob.

Having a larger than average proboscis results in people telling you that you look a lot like (in this order) Sean Penn/Ralph Fiennes/Julian Lennon.

Men who claim not to be attracted to Pamela Anderson are covering up for the fact they know she wouldn’t go out with them even if she wasn’t famous.

There is likely a cause and effect relationship between: A) Not getting enough attention from your parents during childhood and B) Being really into karaoke as an adult.

It is unmanly to not have an at least conversational knowledge of all major professional sports. But if you can recite the starting line-ups of every team in the NBA, you probably need to get a life.

The first sign you have entered the “no longer relevant” stage of your life is discovering that you are unfamiliar with the majority of bands on the current Billboard Top 100 chart. For example, Hoobastank, apparently, is a musical group, not what I caught from the receptionist at my last job.

It is stupid, when discussing your favorite sports team or political party, to refer to them as “we”. As in “We have a much better defense this year” or “We should win this election in a landslide”. If you haven’t been invited to any of the meetings, it’s “them”, not “we”.

It occurs to me that I have lived during the period of a major cultural shift in our society. Today, I would likely find it icky to discover that a woman had a lot of hair “down there”. Yet, when I first started having sex, this was pretty much the norm and I never gave it a second thought.

In general, people look silly when they dance.

The fear many women have about their man being unfaithful is unfounded. If your man was truly so attractive that he frequently found himself in the position of having to turn down offers of sex from beautiful women, chances are he wouldn’t be going out with you in the first place

People who drive “raised” trucks or SUVs are, by and large, dickwads.
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