Tuesday, June 22, 2004

...Not Becoming Like That Guy Donna Dated For Awhile On 90210

Once, and only once, have I played the role of “psycho-jealous-crazy-nutjob boyfriend”.

Kat and I starting dating less than a month into our freshman year of college. From a strict appearance standpoint, if you were to take all of the attributes that the average heterosexual American male looks for in a woman, Kat typified just about all of them: Long blond hair, beautiful face, soft skin, perfect body, *NATURAL* D-cup, was a cheerleader in high school, all that stuff.

I often found myself questioning what drastic change had occurred in the alignment of the planets that caused Kat, easily the most attractive woman in the entire dorm, to choose to date me, who wasn’t exactly beating them off with a stick. It felt like I had won the lottery.

The problems began when Kat decided to join a sorority. I was loudly opposed to the idea; my fear being that Kat would be required to attend a number of parties and events without me where she would meet, talk to and have sex with other men. My fear, it turned out, was not unfounded.

Basic logic would dictate that when you are in a relationship with someone who is being chronically unfaithful, it is probably wise to simply end the relationship. But, you know the whole “to be young and stupid” thing.

I figured that Kat and I could still work out if only I could prevent her from ever being out of my sight and ever again having contact with members of the opposite sex. The average day would consist of me screaming at Kat for a couple of hours about what a skanky ho she was for wanting to go to whatever sorority event she was off to, followed by me cross-examining her when she got back about how many guys she had made out with, given head to...lots of charming stuff.

I had a couple epiphanies after Kat and I broke up. One was that insane jealousy and possessiveness are not necessarily things women find sexy in a man. The other was that I was fast on my way to becoming someone I didn’t like.

So I quit cold turkey.

My behavior changed so drastically, immediately becoming far more easy-going and trusting (dating women who didn’t seem to make it their life’s work to bang every dude in the county helped), that I doubt any of my post-Kat exes or my wife would even believe anything I’ve written here to be true. Yet, I find this unfortunate personality trait does occasionally creep back into my life in the oddest ways.

For example, there is a woman I see at the gym all the time who is an absolute dead-ringer for one of my ex-girlfriends (not Kat). Every once in a while this woman will come in with who I assume to be her boyfriend, and I find myself watching him; the sole purpose of which is to make sure he can’t lift as much as me.

I also get inexplicably upset when I see an attractive woman dating or married to someone I deem to be a not-so-great looking guy. Whereas I should be happy that someone has found the ability to look beyond skin deep for beauty, I instead get angered at what appears to me to be a lack of balance in the universe.

Strangest of all, I get legitimately angry when I am forced to witness actresses I’m attracted to do love scenes. I could only watch “Friends” during the periods when they would move away from the Ross & Rachel storyline, so upsetting was it for me to watch Jennifer Aniston kiss David Schwimmer or imply that they had “done it”. I can watch Reese Witherspoon in movies like “Election”, but protest watching any of her romantic comedies where I know I’m supposed to be rooting for her to tongue some guy who isn’t me.

A few months ago, at a wedding, I saw the guy that Kat dated right after me (according to one of her old sorority sisters, she cheated on him a lot too). I don’t have anything against the guy, and regret the whole threatening to beat him up embarrassment. But in the interest of honesty, I confess to being a little excited when I saw that he had gotten really fat.

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