Thursday, October 28, 2004

...Where Everybody Knows Your Name (and Measurements)

Yesterday a sales appointment I had scheduled with a police department in what I guess is now being called “The OC” was cancelled at the last minute (as in right as we were pulling into their parking lot) when the Lieutenant who arranged the meeting had to rush out on an emergency call. I had this great spiel all prepared and then some nimrods had to go and attempt to rob a jewelry store and hold its owner hostage.

While it made for something of a wasted afternoon, it did give my partner, Bob, and I the opportunity to revisit on old hangout of ours, The Swinging Door. This was the default after-work bar of choice for the employees at our former job due to its location barely a block away from our old office.

Having been a regular patron of The Swinging Door from when it first opened its doors in 1998 through just a few years ago when my old company moved our office to another city, I couldn’t help but feel a little like a proud parent when I saw it had recently been named one of the “Top 20 Dives Bars in the U.S.” by Stuff magazine. Its success can be solely attributed to their simple but brilliant marketing strategy, which can best be described as “Never underestimate the desire of the average American male to have incredibly beautiful women acknowledge his existence”.

The bar, which is female-owned (she is the one on the far right in the picture from Stuff) exclusively hires extremely hot, porn-star/stripper-looking women to work (in very revealing outfits) behind the bar. For example, she was our bartender yesterday. Kind of like Hooters, but far more intimate and less commercial.

The average guy (read: most), in the course of his daily life, not only has little to no chance* ever to date women who look like this (*except maybe if he makes over 500K per year), but would likely have difficulty getting any such women to even give him the time of day. But come to The Swinging Door, and not only are these women forced by necessity to talk to you, they’re actually likely to flirt with you a little bit too. Maybe even call you “Sweetie”. I have no idea what kind of tips these women make, but I’m guessing they make out pretty well. Something has got to be paying for all those fake tits.

Personally, while I’ve always enjoyed the bar’s laid-back, casual atmosphere and very reasonable drink prices, I’ve never been as excited about the bartenders as most of the guys who frequent the place. Not that I can’t appreciate the sight of a beautiful woman. I’m married, not dead. It’s just that I hate being condescended to. I will admit that I tend to get a little oversensitive about stuff like this (and definitely overanalytical), but I get offended by the notion that these women think it is so rare that anyone who is both A) Female and B) Attractive talks to me that when it does happen I will become so incredibly mesmerized that I'll lose all sense of logic and start throwing money around like a madman. Probably the same reason I’ve never been all that big on strip clubs.

As you can imagine, the patronage of The Swinging Door is decidedly male, I guess for the same reason I would never frequent a place where all the bartenders looked like Chippendales dancers. Who wants to look that shitty in comparison? In fact, it was extremely rare to see any women in the place besides women from my old company, who went there only because of its proximity to the office (and because that’s where everyone else was going). Lucky for me, one of those women was my wife. It’s where we met.
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