...Shorts
*Sometime within the next month or two will mark 4 years since I began dating the seductive temptress who ultimately became known as Mrs. Gooch. Amazing how time flies. It seems like just yesterday I was sneaking out of my apartment bedroom late at night so I could bury farts into the couch without her hearing.
*I know I’m a little old for this, but when I’m at the gym I sometimes find myself drifting off into Fantasyland where I imagine my workout is being videotaped for a television montage highlighting my training regimen prior to challenging for the World Heavyweight Championship at Wrestlemania. I usually envision either Survivor’s “Eye of the Tiger” or Scandal’s “Warrior” playing in the background. Then I look around and notice that even among the regular Joes at my local 24 Hour Fitness, I’m on the smaller side, which causes me to drift back towards reality. So then I imagine that it’s actually the Cruiserweight title I’m challenging for.
*I hate to break it to those who still cling to the fantasy that they will one day be thought of as a “cool” parent, but it’s just not in the cards. No matter how many names of current bands you know, how well you stay on top of current fashion trends, etc., your kids are still going to think you’re a dork. Example: The other night I was making something of a spectacle of myself as I listened to Green Day on my portable CD Player while doing the dishes. What can I say – it’s a great CD. My older stepson, age 10, stopped to inform me that Green Day was a “teenager” band. He said this not in a “…and wow, you sure are a cool dude for listening to them” way, but in a “…dude, give it up, you’re way too old to be listening to that stuff and doing so just makes you look pathetic” kind of way. Never mind that I’ve been a fan of Green Day since before he was born and the members of the band are all older than me. Once you reach the point of having to use facts and figures to prove your still with it chances are the battle has already been lost.
*Can we put a moratorium on anyone asking that, “Why is it you need a license to have a dog, but ANYONE can have a child?” question? First of all, you didn’t think it up so nobody thinks you’re either deep or enlightening. This question got old around the same time pronouncing Target as "Tar-zhey" did. Plus, what exactly are you suggesting? That when two people have unprotected sex without a “license” we take away the baby that was created and placed it in a teensy-tiny cage and if not adopted within a week send it to be destroyed? Yeah, that sounds much more humane.
*I’ve taken to listening to classical music on the way into work in the morning as a means of relaxation so I’m not so full of stress and anxiety before I even walk into the office. I listen to it again in the afternoon to help calm and soothe me so I’m actually somewhat tolerable to be around once I get home. Listening to this incredibly beautiful, powerful, complex music, it really makes you realize how most all other music pretty much sucks in comparison. And it makes me sad that I just assumed for the previous 31 years of my life that classical music was an art form for snobs and elitists. Although the fact that the station I’ve been listening to has regular updates on what's happening in the world of wine probably doesn’t do much to erase that stereotype.
* I’ve touched on this before, but the more I think about it, the more obnoxious it seems to me to have any sort of political bumper sticker on your car. I’m totally non-partisan about this too. I just have a hard time believing that in the last election, for example, there was anybody who was at a loss as to who to vote for who then came across a “John Kerry `04” bumper sticker and said to themsleves, “Well, now that's decided”. Similarly, I doubt that anybody who holds the “Pro-Choice” position on the abortion argument has ever seen a car bearing the “IT’S A CHILD NOT A CHOICE” bumper sticker and said, “Geez, I've never really thought about it like that, I now officially change my position”. So, really, at the end of the day, all a political message bumper sticker is is a big advertisement of your own political beliefs. Which seems to me to be the absolute height of egotism because why the fuck do you think I care about the political leanings of some guy (or girl) I don’t know?
*I know I’m a little old for this, but when I’m at the gym I sometimes find myself drifting off into Fantasyland where I imagine my workout is being videotaped for a television montage highlighting my training regimen prior to challenging for the World Heavyweight Championship at Wrestlemania. I usually envision either Survivor’s “Eye of the Tiger” or Scandal’s “Warrior” playing in the background. Then I look around and notice that even among the regular Joes at my local 24 Hour Fitness, I’m on the smaller side, which causes me to drift back towards reality. So then I imagine that it’s actually the Cruiserweight title I’m challenging for.
*I hate to break it to those who still cling to the fantasy that they will one day be thought of as a “cool” parent, but it’s just not in the cards. No matter how many names of current bands you know, how well you stay on top of current fashion trends, etc., your kids are still going to think you’re a dork. Example: The other night I was making something of a spectacle of myself as I listened to Green Day on my portable CD Player while doing the dishes. What can I say – it’s a great CD. My older stepson, age 10, stopped to inform me that Green Day was a “teenager” band. He said this not in a “…and wow, you sure are a cool dude for listening to them” way, but in a “…dude, give it up, you’re way too old to be listening to that stuff and doing so just makes you look pathetic” kind of way. Never mind that I’ve been a fan of Green Day since before he was born and the members of the band are all older than me. Once you reach the point of having to use facts and figures to prove your still with it chances are the battle has already been lost.
*Can we put a moratorium on anyone asking that, “Why is it you need a license to have a dog, but ANYONE can have a child?” question? First of all, you didn’t think it up so nobody thinks you’re either deep or enlightening. This question got old around the same time pronouncing Target as "Tar-zhey" did. Plus, what exactly are you suggesting? That when two people have unprotected sex without a “license” we take away the baby that was created and placed it in a teensy-tiny cage and if not adopted within a week send it to be destroyed? Yeah, that sounds much more humane.
*I’ve taken to listening to classical music on the way into work in the morning as a means of relaxation so I’m not so full of stress and anxiety before I even walk into the office. I listen to it again in the afternoon to help calm and soothe me so I’m actually somewhat tolerable to be around once I get home. Listening to this incredibly beautiful, powerful, complex music, it really makes you realize how most all other music pretty much sucks in comparison. And it makes me sad that I just assumed for the previous 31 years of my life that classical music was an art form for snobs and elitists. Although the fact that the station I’ve been listening to has regular updates on what's happening in the world of wine probably doesn’t do much to erase that stereotype.
* I’ve touched on this before, but the more I think about it, the more obnoxious it seems to me to have any sort of political bumper sticker on your car. I’m totally non-partisan about this too. I just have a hard time believing that in the last election, for example, there was anybody who was at a loss as to who to vote for who then came across a “John Kerry `04” bumper sticker and said to themsleves, “Well, now that's decided”. Similarly, I doubt that anybody who holds the “Pro-Choice” position on the abortion argument has ever seen a car bearing the “IT’S A CHILD NOT A CHOICE” bumper sticker and said, “Geez, I've never really thought about it like that, I now officially change my position”. So, really, at the end of the day, all a political message bumper sticker is is a big advertisement of your own political beliefs. Which seems to me to be the absolute height of egotism because why the fuck do you think I care about the political leanings of some guy (or girl) I don’t know?
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